Log in

   Journal    Friends    Archive    Profile    Memories


Jul. 25th, 2005 01:47 am


my turned up nose i used to hate

i'll never have a 6 pack stomach even if i starved myself. so whats the point? life
s too short
flat feet--no arches
im so freaking pale which means i'm always sunburnt!!! ow

scotch (hehe yup all heavy drinkers.....hehehe)

ruined relationships
people i love damaging/sabotaging themselves
water. tho i love it and love to swim/boat its a love hate thang


tank top
pj pants
ummmm earingS?


Joss Stone -- Right to be Wrong


TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
My last name is Pitt
I'm going to Marquette in a few days....yea!
I just got a new car and its a stick

genuine smile


have a stiff drink
go for a night drive (its 2 AM)
get a back massage

fireman (i was 7)
Athletic Trainer
Starving Artist

back to san fran
road trip around the country with best friend emily and erika bc we're the only 3 ppl that could get along for that much time

no idea

have a family
find truth
share the truth

i love to be clean and i moisturize obsessively (hehehe)
i love to talk
i love shopping

I belch
I love sports and get really sweaty and gross (but love to shower and moisturize)
i'd rather go around in sweats than dress up

Leave a comment

May. 21st, 2005 07:04 pm

So Im back home for the summer and found my way around the "parental control" that kept me from logging on this site, lol. I guess i will be writing in here for as long as I'm home. Which actually might not be that long, but I'm really trying the hardest I can to be strong and perservere. I know that these are some of the most important relationships i will ever have in my life, and im trying to do the best that i can. My faith and my religion is really on the rocks right now. I made a few mistakes this year, and I my relationship with God didnt grow....now I'm just trying to start over with Him. It's gonna take work and its definitly not easy! But if I've learned anything this year, its that I can't do things alone -- or I cant ever do things well enough to make myself happy. So that's where God comes in.:-)

I cant even say how hard things are with my sister. Sometimes it just makes me mad and I want to scream and have everything be ok or just to ignore it, but its impossible. I'm working on accecpting it as the way things are. It's just such a responsibility, and I can feel its weight piled on the only three ppl that know. Sometimes I get so frustrated and sad and sick to my stomach about how this has affected all of us, but then I wonder how I can even be upset. I am only a side-effect of this situation, and it hurts someone else much more than it hurts me.

On the way back from the hospital, I decided it was about time to tell dad my opinion. I'm not afraid of voicing what i think or feel anymore, and I think that since our relationship had kind of bared all of me b/c of them reading my journal, I might as well just give them everything. If our relationship is going to be healthy, than I need to stop sacraficing my feelings all the time to make them feel better. It didn't go over very well at first. Dad got mad. I got mad. I called him a dictator and he almost drove off the road. But then we cooled off and talked it out. IT's just such a painful situation, that its hard to talk about it. I'm pretty hopeful about things with dad. We both communicate in pretty much the same way - a few differences -- so thats good. Mom and I are good so far. We've been staying onthe easy things.;-)

I'm glad to be home tho. It's such a relief. I miss my friends at school a lot, but I'm so glad to see Emily and Er back home. It's so great to have friendships that u feel safe in, that have survived eerything for like 8 years now! lol went to kalynn's graduation party today, good to see her again....so much has changed between us but i think we'll pick right up where we left off, too bad she's gone for the summer.

Still deciding what I will be doing next year. May take a year off, go to community college and work. Since I'm not playing soccer at Alma (whole reason i came) there's no reason to be working my ass off and then still going into debt just to be there. We'll see. Nothing's for sure. MAybe i'll come back, maybe i'll come back junior year. Who knows!

I'm lovin spending the time with my fam. Tonite my little sister Ruthie and her friend convinced me to spend the night camping out in our yard in the tent. save me!!! should be interesting....what do i get myself into???? CAnt wait to start running with Paul, and playing soccer and bball with Joel and the boys. Course i love Sarah no matter what. Pray for her.


Current Mood: punched in the stomach

1 comment - Leave a comment

Apr. 9th, 2005 12:52 am im so content

Played in my first lacrosse game yet....i didnt even do anything, but still, I stepped onto the field weraing the alma uniform and pads and gear and the mindset that I'm representing myself, my school, and my teammates by doiung so. It was such a great, familiar feeling, it felt like coming home again. Im proud of myself for even doing lax because of after soccer, my self-confidence in myself and my sport and athletic abilities was so damaged and i was so insecure abiout it and sensitive and hurt DAMN CHI LI!!! lol but i took the chance, the chance of failing, which has always been the hardest thing for me, and i ran with it. Its hard not knowing what ur doing. Like I stepped into the crease today, totally not knowing what i was doing, and ruined garvins shot. but im learning and i really glad i am. and from what I can see so far, the guys are soooo much different than a team of girls. its like two separate worlds. crazy. beautiful. yay for no cattiness, no pettiness and hurt feelings. its so free and bold and strong.
i still really want to play soccer. I think if i want to do it that much i will find a way to make it happen. they say that if something is so important that when u stop doing it, u cant stop thinking about it, then u definitly shouldnt quit. well thats definitly the feeling i get with soccer. i miss it a lot, it goes without saying, and i think i want to try it again, even tho i dont have much confidence with it. maybe ill do IM soccer next year or something.
but something about the green turf, the bright sunshine that makes everything more colorful, the football stadiums and the brightly colored uniforms of the teams gathering for compitition, with the stinging sensation of adrenaline rushing in my bloodstream, making every nerve in my body tingle and buzz, the taste of the adreniline in my mouth, the increased sight/sound awareness, and everything around me brighter and buzzing......its the most ephoric feeling inthe world! and it reminded me so much of NCMA soccer, playing on the men's full size field, the burning sensation in ur myuslce,the great feeling whenu nail a pass or complete a move with flair that u have been investing many hours in at home, the feeling of haiving invested urself into something so much that it becomes a part of u, of who u are, and i are proud of it, and u want to win, and u want victory.
i want this with lacross. i usualy get down on myself with sportswhen i fail, but i think i can be strong and let myself work through this. let myself feel discouraged, let down, failing, blah blah and then get over it -- find a solution, resolve it, work hard to fix it, and move on, and get better. and become a better person. how u approach spotrs is a reflection of how u approch life.
i felt so much happier today, doing something i loved and spending time with ppl i love that are awesome! its like sports are a part of my life and im just going to have to work around that, they make me happier they give me goals to work toward, i need them to be myself!! i feel happy and like myself for the first time in a loooonnnng time. Thank god! and i have awesome friends that came to watch them play, which meant A LOT to me, itwas awesome to see them out there!
and now i feel really vulnerable and open for dissapointment now that ive put all this down on paper so to speak and everything is laid out on the table and that i have so much riding on certain things. yikes its definitly a little scary.
but as my awesome boss says. ok we;re having an indepth convo. im like, "when im in a relationship, friendship, commitment whatever that im really committed to and really loyal to and believe in, i put everything i have into that relationship, i dont hold anything back and i give 100%. this just opens me up to get hurt and i always seem to get burned." and dave, the coolest guy ever, says "well, would u rather that u dont do that?" no absolutely not. id rather put everything ive got into soemthing and get rediculously bruned, and it makes me cringe just to think about the rejectiona nd failiure, butid rather do that than give half ass about things i care about and never risk anything.
as my mom says, if only u'd put into schoolwork half of what u put into sports.
yea need to be doing a LOT of painting, piano hw this weekend.
id rather play sports than party any day. take that, weekend!!! thats how much this frikkin means to me!! and i think thats what mistakes i made during soccer. maybe if i wanst so busy drinking i would have changed something with chi li.
but as amy says, i dont regret anything. i had a great time first sem. Dryseason? what's that?!
k time for bed. night yall.

Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Current Music: bad day by fuel (ironic but it feels good)

Leave a comment

Mar. 30th, 2005 12:31 am What Really Matters

If the most important things in my life are relationships, why are they the hardest things to handle, to keep in harmony, to keep working smoothyl. They are the living breathing expression of love between two people. My greatest relationthip would be that with God, and I've really neglected it over the past few months. Things are falling back in place, but how can any other relationship be right if my relationship with God is not?
It is such a huge weight off my shoulders to see everything at home working out ok. My parents are no longer looking at me like a lost soul, I think they have somewhat of a kind of respect now. I didnt even try to get into the bigger issues, with control and Sarah and the rest of the kids. Take it slow, dont bite off too much. My mom still gets on my nerves like nothing else....she's so slow, so deliberate, so reserved and in control that it makes me really impatient, hurried, rushed, irritated and too snappy to answer. Then I think she takes offence to that and gets annoyed too. I guess there are some ppl you will just never get along with, that is when you have the opportunity "to really practice charity". damn. I love my mom. It doesnt mean that I want to be her. There are things I can learn from her, positive qualities of self-giving that I admire, but it doesnt mean that I will ever be her.
On the other hand, I had some great convos with dad. Our comunication style is so much the same, we just flow when we both are in the right mood, now that I'm not afraid to talk to him and actually stand up and give him a vocal opinion and dare to see something differently than him.
My dad can see every situation from every point of view. He can make everyone feel accepted, included and appreciated. He has a nack for seeing those that feel left out of the group and can include them with his awesome conversational skills. In these ways UI admire my dad. For him, family comes first. He never complains, never says a negative word, deals with negatively positively, deals with the shitty family situations we've had with power and a strong belife in a higher power. For this i respect him unconditionally. I remember accidentally walking into a room when he was praying. He was on his knees next to his bed with his head in his hands. I had never seen this before, and it hit me really hard to see a grown man in such a possision of submission. The greatest strength is for a confident man to be humble.
What bothers me tho is that this past week I guess Sarah was at the lowest point she's ever been in her lifetime, and no one called. I never knew that she was going through anything, couldnt do anything about it. For all I know, she could have been doing anything. My parents really do care. THey're trying to do the best they can, the best way they see how. It's just not always the right solution to the problem.
So where am I going with this life? I'm finding out who can be trusted, who cant, what I need to accept in myself, what I need to change, and I decided a major! I talk to my awesome advisor tomorrow. Thinking it'l be a dbl major in COM (emphasis in Public Relations and Interpersonal Communication) and Art.
Oh yea, and appreaciating my eyes!! After two hours blind, a lot of pain, time in the ER and a night being waken up every two hours by my awesome loving mom to put in the most painful eyedrops ever, I can see just fine and no longer look like I got punched in the side of the head!!! lol wow I just cant go very long w/out hurting myself....first the toe, then my eyes.....why cant i ever be glamourous? haha NOT.
things are going better.
Save the drama fo yo mammma.

Current Mood: thankfulthankful
Current Music: dash

Leave a comment

Mar. 28th, 2005 11:34 pm Sex

Thank God for Sex and the City and putting off your problems til tomorrow to spend some quality time with people you respect and trust. Thanks Ames and Abbs. We have so many good memories and we're going to have so many more to come......we have 3 more years together!!! Just think what could happen. Look what's already happened this year. More later, back to SEX!!!

Current Mood: contentcontented
Current Music: Sex and the City

Leave a comment

Mar. 23rd, 2005 11:19 am Excuses for missing class.....


I was sprayed by a skunk.

I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.

My bus broke down and was held up by robbers.

I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.

I forgot to come back to work after lunch.

I couldn't find my shoes.

I hurt myself bowling.

I was spit on by a venomous snake.

I totaled my wife's jeep in a collision with a cow.

A hitman was looking for me.

My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.

I eloped.

My brain went to sleep and I couldn't wake it up.

My cat unplugged my alarm clock.

I had to be there for my husband's grand jury trial.

I had to ship my grandmother's bones to India.

I forgot what day of the week it was.

Someone slipped drugs in my drink last night.

A tree fell on my car.

My monkey died.

Current Mood: naughtynaughty
Current Music: nothing. JJ is sleeping

Leave a comment

Mar. 21st, 2005 04:09 pm

Sometimes I just need a little peace, time alone to think, away from ppl, noise and even myself and all the crap and baggage i bring into things. When I think of the future, it stretches ahead of me, blank and unmarked, not yet infilterated with any of the junk that my jilted perceptions bring into the space i create. I need to enter each day, each moment with a fresh mindset, the idea that anything can happen, and a sense of forgiveness toward myself for what has already happened. Cut myself a little slack. Dont worry so much about what lies ahead, what already happened and is untouchable, in the past. The past is a hard thing to shake, to dig its long claws out of your back. Once you have, you are left with the gashes and wounds that will take time to heal, might not ever go away, but still they are small in relation to the huge weight of the huge monster you have ripped off your bock. It is a daily struggle, but we must have a positive attitude and look toward our blank book of the future with hope.

SOmetimes I look back on this year and wonder, what have I really accomplished? I dont know what my major is, I dont know what I want to do for a living for THE REST OF MY LIFE, I dont know who i want to spend my life with. Its like I've learned by failure. I almost failed biology -- how did I scrape by with a C?????? -- so I know I cant work with details, that I dont want a job with science. I had to drop Lit. because of mistakes I've made -- by failure I've learned to approch things immediatly, not to procrastinate and to try and present things as ready, always on time. By failing to pursue a relationship with the guys i've been intruiged with, I realize I do this because I've learned by error what I DONT want.

I dont want a regulated life, I dont care about details. I care about people, relationships are the skeleton of my life. I dont want a guy who's immature or hard-core crazy.......just someone I can trust, respect, share my faith with, laugh with and be a dork with. Loaylty, respect, trust and faith in each other are some of the biggest things I value in friendships, relationships, and are parts of love.
Sometimes love = tolerence.
I struggle with love...its hard to accept people (and myself), faults and all, and still want to give them everything you've got. Thank you, Amy, for being such a great example of someone who can give 100% of their love and themselves and their sacrafice even while they arent recieving half of that. Sometimes, when you dont feel loved yourself, it is the hardest struggle to still love with all you can. You feel that you are putting so much of yourself out and not taking anything back in, like you are draining yourself until you are empty, and thats how i feel right now. MAybe I need to become empty before I can let God take control of my life again. I've been struggling with praying lately, especially about my parents. I'm afraid He'll say DO WHAT THEY WANT. Bullshit.

I failed in that I concentrated more on friendships, relationships than I did on academics or even sports. I put so much into relationships, and while some are still going strong, so many just feel apart....what happened to everything we put into them? Where does all that time, love, respect friendship go?????? I miss you. I miss what we had.
I put so much into soccer. I wouldnt call that a failure. I'd call that a test of my strength.

Just searching for what has been successful this year.
This isnt me getting down on myself, its just how i think, and my thoughts coming out in writing. Sometimes you have to look at your failures, accept them, let them be a part of what shaped you, so that you can learn from them.
I failed with my relationship with my parents frmo day 1. I have been lying to them for soo long, the number 1 destroyer of a relationship. no wonder we're on the rocks...lying creates false relationships between people and then someones idea of a person -- the person that they see created out of those lies. The person my parents have a relationship with is not me, its the shell of lies that I presented them. I hate that. I hate it I hate it I hate it. It's not their fault they never really knew what was going on.
What a sad thing, that my parents never got to know their children. We're great people, much better than the perfect, socially acceptable, cookie cutter daughters they tried to hard to form us into. We're real people on the inside......they have to look beyond their impossible ideals and love us for who we really are. We're pretty flawed, interesting people with great individual talents, for lack of a better word.
Sorry mom, i guess i'll never show you the kind of respect you want because total domination can never be respect in either party. Please respect me because I'm trying to handle this so that you feel as respected as you can be. We have love, therefore we have a relatoinship. Can't you love me for someone you cant control, someone who doesnt fit into your cookie cutter mold, be proud of the person I've grown into, the woman I'm becoming instead of seeing a failure? I'll be the first to say I have faults.....u dont have to rub those in my face, i do that enough myself already. I just want a healthy relationship between three adults -- not two parents and a little child. You'll always be my parents, but things have to change.
You've done a good job i raising us....there are many qualities and morals we have because of you and for that I thank you.
Im not even sure what Im asking anymore.

Lets just resolve this situation and move on. Why does it have to drag on....when we have so much ahead of us.. Let's just work thru all our problems, have a great relationship and look forward to our new future together and be happy for the great times we are going to have.

Current Mood: melancholyhelpless
Current Music: Sugar Cult Memory (Acoustic)

Leave a comment

Mar. 20th, 2005 02:32 pm Just Talked to My Parents on the Phone

This is not going to be as easy as i thougtht. My parents are NOT going to let me come back. Somehow I neeed to earn some money before this summer.....let me know if anyone knows of job openings anywhere.

Basically mom told me NOT to sign up for classes, that she and dad do not want me coming back here next fall........they just need to come down here so we can talk. I have a horrible sinking feeling that, in Dr. Vickery's words, they are likea brittle metal rod -- they cant bend, so they will break. It's been two weeks since I was home, and I think I kind of conveniently forgot how upset they are. Oops.

I feel like I'm going to talk to them, and they will have as much power over me as they always did, so I will try to stand up for myself when really I feel like shit on the inside and all I want to do is make them happy, and by my stupid choices Im going to have to create a rift in my family. ANy time I stand up for myself it is a sign of disrespect to them.

I think that they are taknig this too lightly. This ismy future at stake here and they need to talk to me -- not on the phone -- so that we can hash this out and deal with it once and for all. I dont know what to think any more. This is stupid and I feel like I've been talking about it too much and everyone must be sick of hearing about it. It's time for action. Hopefully I can handle whatever is going to happen. I'm just scared to not have their support, to not be able to talk to them when i need to,

SEriously if they get mad at their kid for deciding where she wants to go to school and for not wanting to have to answer to her parents for every frikkin decision she makes, then that is rediculous. I'
m tired of thinking about this, I need to deal with it and move on.

I am comign back to ALma next year.
This is a hard decision to make. I came here to play soccer and that little dream obviously didnt work out. but there are good things about being here.....
1)I can play lacrosse. New sport, prolly couldnt do it somewhere else
2)good education (thats the reason I'm REALLY here, right?
3)understanding profs (not including STARGARDT!!!!)
4) Circle of friends here that I love and even a few that I really trust -- that really means something

mmmm mayeb I need to work on this list a little more!!! lol

The biggest reason I want to come back is b/c im too frikkin stubborn. If I end up paying for it myself and it just doesnt work out, I can always transphere somewhere else after enxt year.

Am I prepared to take ont he financial concerns? Mel does it. If I went to Scotland, I wouldnt need a car 1rst sem. I could pay off my credit cards this sum, buy a computer, car, insurance, figure out my loans. Not too bad, right? It's going to be rough, but hey life is always rough. And I think I've gotten through the worst of the situation anyway. There's worse things, right? At leasdt I'm going to college. I have to remember its a priviledge.

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Need to clean up my act.

I'm sooooooooo tempted to sign up to go to Scotland next semester!!!!!!!!!!

Current Mood: indifferentindifferent
Current Music: Kayne West College DropOut

1 comment - Leave a comment

Mar. 20th, 2005 12:52 am Really tired.....writing about nothing

Spent the night in tonite after a "little " drama with Kris trying to leave the bball game tonite. Honestly, as much as I love Alma, and as much as I've had a good time here this year, I am sooo friggin sick of it. I dont deal well with being in one place for long periods of time, and I definitly dont deal well with problems in my relationships that I cant do anything about. I feel like I'm in a helpless situation here with my rents. Amy -- sweetie that she is -- was going to drive me home today so I could work things out, but things didnt work out. And then I'm leaving for Chicago next Thursday night! Crazy. I dont have the energy for a big trip, a mission trip. Gah! All I want to do is go home.
That's a first. My mom abgout died of shock when I called to tell her I wanted to come home. First time I've said that seince I've been here! lol
My parents have been supportive this year.....not in all areas, but in the areas they knew how to. Like first semester when I struggled with soccer so much and CHi Li and the girls and wether or not to quit, they were always there to talk about it. I just dont think they knew how to deal with the other problems that came up, the medical things, relationship things, the drugs, the drinking. I tried to be honest with them -- to a point -- and they couldnt deal with it. Then they just found out way more than they were supposed to. They're new to this and I have to cut them some slack. The only way they know how to dealwith this situation is to try and control it as much as they can. I'm not a control freak -- I could care less if I'm in control of other people -- so I cant understand where they're coming from. But UI think they need to see where I'm coming from.
Hopefully my advisor was just preparing me for the worst when he got me all scared about being disowned and preparing to never see my parents again and having to find other means of communicating with my sibs.
All these sibs up for hte weekend really make me miss Sarah Paul and Joel, and esp. little Ruthie. See that's what would kill me. I think, if anything, I've learned this year the importance of family. By getting away from home for good and distancing myself as much as possible, I realize how much i really do care and how much it would hurt to have them not be a part of my life any more. How can any relationship ever be right when you dont even have a healthy relationship with your parents? How much of my depression, my sister's problems really resulted from my parents? Did they have anything to do with it? How much worse would things be if I didnt bring Sarah into this situation and really tell them how we feel? How can we do this with respect?
Sometimes I think we blame too much on our parents, blame them for every mistake we make or every insecurity we have, every time we dont succeed in life.....but really, quite a few things we do come back to them. I would never EVER say that the person I am today is because of them, but they definitly helped shape me, create my high standards for myself.
I came here with too high standards for myself -- always look good, act socially right, treat everyone perfectly as I could, blah blah.....got tired of that and became a lazy slob????.....and now finally found the middle road of acceptance.
Its scary to know that certain bonds we have with ppl can be such an influence on who we are and what we do. Who will affect the person we become, and will it be positively? How do we affect ppl? How is the way that I handle this situation going to affect my brothers and sisters lives, who will see what happens and have to deal with it as well?

Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: California by Phantom Planet

1 comment - Leave a comment